The Ravenblack Grimoire

Dear Lucius,

Thank you in advance!
Signed: -RoD-

Dear -RoD-

Ah, I see that my muse (Damari!) has alighted on another love spammer (Damaria!). The spiraling lights (Damarina!)... The vertiginous impression of falling (Damina!)... The abrupt rush of visions and sound (D’mina!)...

All this is perfectly natural. Believe me-na, RoD, I know what you Mina.

*sighs*

Damn spammers.

I hope this helps,

~Lucius
Husband of D-D-D-D… that’s it, I’m rebooting.
Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!

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Dear Lucius,

How come I can kill 20 humans a day but can’t get rid of a single phone solicitor?
Signed: Hesu

Dear Hesu,

Interesting question…

[Phone rings]

One moment, please.

PHIL: Master Lucius?
LUCIUS: Yes?
PHIL: Hi! This is Phil from the RavenBlack Thousand Squares Insurance Company? Do you have a minute or two to talk about life insurance?
LUCIUS: Well I was just having someone over for supper...
PHIL: This won't take long, I promise! Master Lucius - may I call you Lou?
LUCIUS: Uh...
PHIL: Lou, we live in such an uncertain epoch that it becomes *vital* for you to have full medical, dental, and life insurance coverage. Do you have good teeth?
LUCIUS: I’m working on it.
PHIL: What if you wake up with the meanest hang over in a trashcan on Main Street in Sunnyvale?
LUCIUS: I never drink… wine.
PHIL: What is going to happen if you happen to eat something that disagrees with you?
LUCIUS: That happens all the time...
PHIL: Here you go! You see? Now, with our super coverage policy, you wouldn’t have to worry about long-term ramifications...
LUCIUS: I wonder if we could converse about this in person. Let’s say, my place?
PHIL: What an excellent idea! I have the address of your Palazzo here in the computer. When should I visit you?
LUCIUS: Why not now? You could chat while I’m having a bite to eat.

So, where were we? Ah yes. Unwanted phone solicitors are an entrenched part of humanity. There will always be some bugger who will disturb you at the worst possible time to try to make you buy something you don't need and don't want. You cannot fight them, but those solicitors would sell their soul to the devil to make a sale. So just make them do it.

I hope this helps,

~Lucius
Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!