August 2008
Is it really August already?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
For those Dark dwellers of the night who just cant seem to get a bite i guess you need to hear “Never say never”? Your performance anxiety will vanish in August, and you’ll be sucking the life of party goers the city wide. It wont take much just a visit to a beauty therapy boutique yes the mono tone hair and black lip gloss is so passé and last year you will have to put yourself on display instead of sinking into the globby little pit of your inner life.. So -- in August, risk failure. Risk rejection. Just get out there shake your bootie and be the life (or un-life of the party). Even if you find it uncomfortable out in the open with others, the stars say you’ll look good doing it.
Lucky number is 69
Lucky sexual position (surprise surprise 69)
Lucky colour (well it aint black this month)
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Now would be a really good time to start some sort of art project. I mean your verging on useless as a vampire this coming month all moody and withdrawn. The moody aspect of your un-life will shine through the dark pictures you will paint, avoid the artsy rivers running through the Pisces world: the obvious painting, drawing, scrapbooking, knitting, crochet, etc. But go with the Pisces artistic-crazy streak this month, that extends to designing items from scratch, cooking up human creations, making cakes shaped like Monopoly games oh ok manacles. Don't rule out the more adventurous art-crazy, either, like carving stuff with power tools human bodies do make a great canvas. It's your month to go a little nutty in the creative realm, and you should take advantage of it before your inspiration diminishes with the end of August
Lucky number is 1 (brooding artist like being alone).
Lucky sexual position (well single handed works)
Lucky colour who the hell cares no ones going to see you
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
“Money, money changes everything...” But you already know that by now, don’t you? The more money you got the more shinnies you can buy or spend on that new boyfriend or girlfriend or the companion or perhaps you could buy yourself a new one Right now, I’m sure you’d gladly volunteer to evaluate the old cliché about money being the root of all evil,( in fact it gets the evil in you a root if you have to buy one) now remember if someone gives you a big pile of dinero best thing you can do is exercise your shopping muscles. You could pretend its a scientific experiment, really, in which you set out to prove that money CAN IN FACT BUY HAPPINESS. I think you could start with a gold fang, maybe some bling.
lucky number is 7
Lucky sexual position (buy yourself the karma sutra they all belong to you)
Lucky colour pink
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
August heightens the uncanny radar of the Taurus intuition. You’ll have insight and spooky psychic tremors This is the month to make that little inner voice your closest confidante (you know the voice that speaks to you about killing molly or drinking blood .....what you don’t hear that voice?). Listen to your fears, because they hold a kernel of truth someone is after you and your coins. Use your power of observation to stay focused, and you’ll find out who is after you and you can stalk them back. Of course if your little inner voice sounds like it’s coming from Elvis, seek help immediately. Otherwise, trust your gut and you won’t misstep once all month.
Lucky number(come on use them powers guess)
Lucky sexual position (is there an unlucky one )
Lucky colour damn your wearing it already
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
This month you are naked as a jaybird. (daymn you got dimples too ohh all in the right spots yum) Also, that is a metaphor (dayum no dimple spotting for me). Unless you live in the Valley like moi and need to be buck nekkid to survive the infernal heat, hi! Almost a hundred degrees today! Your naked Gemini-truth is spread out for the world to see right now but enough of your nakedness. Your nagging doubts will never go away, it’s a fact of un- life you have to drink blood or stay away from the sunlight. Take it from me, sunlight burns. You need to accept your a vampire and move on with the hand you were dealt don’t doubt just kill, besides you show doubt in the city you will soon end up deaded or zeroed
Lucky number 3
Lucky sexual position hmm guess
:Lucky colour mission brown (who would have guessed)
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
This month, you may have the feeling that you need to ask others what’s been going on in your own personal life since they’re all up in your bidness. (See me with the cool slang? That is how I roll, people. Don't hate me for being cool.) Cancer folks have a knack for appearing too soft for this world, but most vampires are always surprised to find you with a bit of two by four swinging at their heads (we know your big and mean and we love you for it) every one should know when the going gets tough, crabs get tougher (you can get a treatment for crabs don’t cha know) Crabs will bust a claw up in yo nether regions!! (Ohh baby yeah ok gets head out of gutter where was i) oh yeah suck it up cause come September your going to rock the city
Lucky number 9
Lucky sexual position (don’t make me use the maniacals)
Lucky colour green
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
This August is a good time to focus on the lazybones and relaxing, it's been an exhausting few weeks (you have been waring haven’t you ? have you had a lot of unexpected commitments come up? too many missed connections to count them all?) Everyone needs an emotional nap from time to time, and your time is right now. So pull the curtains down get your hotness into bed and enjoy the summer warmth or go get pissed either works one might mean a head ache in 30 days the other will have you refreshed and ready to kill again. So till then the inner Leo just must stretch out and relax. Suck up a margarita or ten and find your inner pussycat
Lucky number 181 (whod guessed you like metric)
Lucky sexual postion 181
Lucky colour red
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
When push comes to shove, Virgo will choose to stand still and yell “I don’t want to push or shove! But baby you can push and shove that thang” Self-exploration will rival the first climb of Mt. Everest. You are an explorer, discovering new ways of thinking and living and lovemaking , don’t be scared to try something new you’re a vampire doing it with the dead is natural (yeah keep telling yourself that) Surprise you secretly like it. Find a club that lets you explore the deviant side of yourself make contact with that wild alter-ego you’ve been denying. The outcome: you’ll actually evolve as a result. Then maybe you can hook up with a Taurus, who’s been making eyes at you or is that a double coffin.
Lucky number 38 (bust size)?
Lucky sexual position (did i hear group sex)
Lucky colour (naked colour rocks)
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
On days when you’re feeling particularly strong and confident, you should kill the odd vampire hunter and wear their head as a hat. Nothing says I’m viral and horny like a hunters head on your head. Those that don’t understand your fashion sense well screw them. Now onto other matters of being sure of yourself you got to say it like it is make use of sayings but make sure you use them appropriately my fav right now is “It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye or is stabbed to death and left to burn in the sunlight” most of all Librans I’m sorry weird stuff happened to you and I’m keeping well away in case its contagious specially in the city with vampires and holy water
Lucky number 42
Lucky sexual position as i said weird stuff happens to you but how the hell did you put that ...there
Lucky colour blue
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
I heard it through the Pissed-Off-At-Astrology Grapevine that Scorpios were really unhappy with the way most of last month went. How do I know this? Perhaps it was all the wars or the fact that every second word you spoke or wrote was $%#$@ , hand me that bottle of Cabernet right now before I smack you upside the head with this here mean and ugly stick? And lets drink to the month that was So July is gone let’s move on and see if we cant make August the most hot month ever. Perhaps we need to go on Sumer holiday and find some fine nice bootie. So let’s drink laugh dance and party till we puke (are we talking vampire city or teenage party), This could be the best solution for the Scorpio. Remember walk lightly, and carry the mean and ugly stick Maybe the Virgos could use it.
Lucky number 31
Lucky sexual did anyone say lapdance
Lucky colour black is the new black Dahlin
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that long, uncomfortable sensation you have during a particularly engrossing movie that’s got you on the edge of your seat...(yes you know the one the i need a pee but cant go cause this movie rocks feeling) Think of August as your edge-of-the-seat month. Discomfort, followed by relief, followed by some shifting from one foot to the other, followed by relaxation and so on. And just when you thought you could relax something from left field hits you like a dark mysterious stranger comes and sweeps you off your feet for (no its not homeland security and the water boarding treatment) they sweep you up in their arms and well what grown adults do in dark places or in fact in neon filled hotel rooms on hourly rates is best left up to the imagination. (whips chains and other assorted toys optional damn my imagination is going haywire) at least while your there your not out on the street sucking your doing it in the hotel room
Lucky number is room 13
Lucky sexual position doggie
Lucky colour well damned if i can see colour with all the neon around
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Peacemaker isn’t your favourite roll, Peace breaker maybe I know you too well. Always easier to reach over and smack someone in the head with the proverbial big sticks. (What is it with the mean and ugly stick this month?) But right now your job, unwelcome as it may be, is to step in and be the lone voice of reason. You’re the only one firmly planted in reality right now, and by the way, this job does not pay well!
so I predict that by the new moon at month's end you'll have managed to completely smooth over whatever prickly, uncomfortable. Also, according to this thing called a "chart" which I am supposed to carefully read before making this wide-flung predictions, the first few weeks of September will be excellent for hanky panky, if hanky panky is present. Just so you know.hmm hawt hanky panky with baby oil and buckets (errr umm err)
Lucky number 12
Lucky sexual position you know how I like it so I’m not telling you
Lucky colour green
