The Ravenblack Grimoire

I started with a joke more below really there is

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Long-term goals are odd things for Aquarians. Long term jail on the other hand is probably right up your alley, (but let's not get into jail or meeting Miss Bubba or Mr. Ben Dover, well ok for those that want to I'm sure you already know that special someone). Early in the month you're at a crossroads: one will lead you into lustful deviant wanton sex (I wonder if Wonton sex is Chinese); the other will lead you into lustful deviant wanton voyeur sex (no...watching yourself in a mirror is not voyeur). But back to long-term goals, you will reach that special marker in the un-life of a vampire, your blood points will mean others will see just how phat you are and the bank account will be bulging like your arse. Just not jiggle more rattly. An enemy will die a most hideous death. All in all pretty good month for you!
Your lucky colour is neon purple
Your lucky number is 13
Your lucky sex position will be cowgirl/boy
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)

To Do: Actually pick sides. I mean, sure, you always have an opinion hidden deep inside you, and sometimes you'll express a preference, or a hope, but just fully come out and smash them in the face with an iron bar!! (You will feel great) But like normal you will never step up and take the ultimate swing mainly because you're sweet and kind (All I can say is to be a winner here you need to step up and kick some arse). You are coming to a point where a decision must be made...all that tooing and frowing needs to come to an end! Just grit your teeth and make a stand (you know you want to wear the leather G string so just do it. It smells nice and will make you look hawt). An enemy will be seen running around after one of your Ex's. Not such a bad thing since you know they have that oft so special social creature in their pubic hair or so i have been informed (now stop itching).
Your lucky colour is green
Your lucky number is 2
Your lucky sex position will be doggy
ARIES (March 21- April 19)

No one has ever accused an Aries of being too Pisces, to unable to take a stand or smack someone down just cause you could. Aries can make decisions quickly, like right now! In the moment! But Aries has a bit of an impulse-control issue (some see this as a disadvantage - me I like a bit of the uncontrolled hot-headed decision maker), The only thing i would advise is to not go completely with your first impulse running at a group of holy water wielding and cross-bow aiming humans. Wearing green can be dangerous. The same with your choices when dressing...I mean most of your friends wont tell you, but damn, even a vampire can wear to much black. Who the hell wants to be confused with Emos or Elmos. Remember spend more time indulging your snooty, refined, prissy self and with your bank account the worlds your oyster.
Your lucky colour is (ok get the fucking black off now anything has got to be better than that well at least have some pastel undies, ok?)
Your lucky number is 9
Your luck sexual position is 69
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

Embrace the night - it's your friend! Get out of your 10-square-foot flat and go stalk humans, drink blood, be a real vampire. Even my poor old Mom is more scary than you this month (mind you shes a living mummy and was mummified during that time of the month so she's had PMS for like 3000 years). The main thing is to get out and about in the city kill and laugh drink and slaughter. (I could share a few drinking killing games to get you started - call me we will chat.) Don't allow others to walk over you! Demand respect or cut out their hearts or feed them holy water. Ya'll tend to get nervous (or anxious, worried or scared) around hunters. Just think of this as a new challenge. What's the worst that can happen (I guess being bitch-slapped could be bad, so start off easy - kill the granny in the wheel chair, she's sure not to have a hunters license. Remember do something on a regular basis just for you, something that pleases you and makes you happy and relaxes you (I have heard sex is good like that even alone).
Your lucky colour is black (yeah baby you got it going on)
Your lucky number is 2 (threes a crowd unless your in bed)
Your lucky sexual position is anything beside single handed (looks around sheepishly, well anything's better than nothing I guess, just don't go blind).
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)

Your inherent love of love itself and tackling challenges and seeing new things and EXPERIENCING(!!!) All UN- LIFE can leave you, my little Gemini, a bit on the broke side (ok who said you had to pay for sex - you're a vampire for gawd sake). Do seriously get serious, I mean seriously, about finances start stealing harder, longer, faster (sounds like the Olympics, if I had thrown in deeper we might have been talking sex). You can be fiscally responsible and still have a Gemini life! All you have to do is look at it this way: You are dealing with your finances so that you can find ALL the extra money available to have EVEN more fun and vacation and new cameras and excellent wine and all those little things that make a Gemini so much damn fun to be around. Just need to kill more humans and steal more coins.
Your lucky colour is mission brown
Your lucky number is 44
Your lucky sex position will be missionary hmmmm
LEO (July 23 - August 22)

Ah, Leo, whose heart was broken in so many pieces. Luckily, September is here and with it is a new chance, a new way to live, and love, and drive. Yes, drive. Ya'll need to be more careful with the driving. Pick something you've always wanted to do, or someone, something you love, a place you want to visit, or a hobby you want to try, something. Perhaps take a new course at the local community college and eat your semester away. Be creative and energetic and a sharing lover...don't do the me me me thing all the time - challenge yourself to having several relationships on the same day or over the same week. It's up to you to find something to light your fire back up (or melt that wax candle - yeah i am watching you hehe). Try a whole new variety of things, (no a stake through the chest will probably be a one time thing and you probably won't be able to do it again so that's out), read, talk, stalk, hunt, drink new people, listen to different music, dress up in stockings (yeas you guys too damn stockings are hawt). You need some place to go that is forward *and* outward, at the same time. Forget writing a love song to bring back the past happiness. You have to let go, it's over, it was meant to be over and done with. You lived it, you loved it, and you're long past it. (besides they are starting to smell up the house and dead humans...well even we can't reanimate the dead)
Your lucky colour is peach
Your lucky number is 31
Your lucky sex position will be spooning (yeah its soo cute)
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)

If your reading this and you're not a Crab - stop and don't go any further. I mean this is special. This month means a whole 'nother chance at love and be happy and all those things we secretly wish for deep down in our crabby little hearts. Don't start beating yourself up over something you said or did in the past, or start replaying a past mistake or bad situation in your head, STOP. Figure out it's best forgotten and if not forgotten - well then holy water someone because that makes much more sense. Use this month to exercise your future-tense daydream muscles. In place of all that time you spend in your head trying to fix or re-live the past, now just actively focus on daydreaming your future. That cute girl/ guy you desire...don't hold back, buy them flowers, give them some blood, fuck their brains out. See it in your mind, down to the shoes you'll wear. (ok that's sounding more like creepy or stalker moves...hmmm, ok, that's ok, you're a vampire - that comes natural). Be whoever you want to be in your futures, your fantasies, your imagination. Just remember crabs are cute no matter what (I like eating them. I don't think that was supposed to be in there hahaha).
Your lucky colour is apricot
Your lucky number is 6
Your lucky sex position will be a vision in your daydream but damn hawt you know it will be hmm...yum

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)

I have a friend who is a complete and lovely Virgo and her September is shaping up to be a changey month, full of adventure in the quiet, controlled ways Virgo loves. (I hear she likes restraints too...fuzzy handcuffs - sooo controlling). People forget that Virgoes do love an adventure, (psst she's a wild one in the sack - that's what I hear - a total freak. Let me find her number for you guys and gals), just cause ya'll are more quiet and personal about it, don't mean it don't happen. This is an adorable quirk Virgoes have, which is not a bad thing. Do indulge your wandering gypsy side. There is a part of every Virgo that wants to be free and go forth to learn, and see new things, not to mention shag everything with legs (now see that's not a bad thing either). Don't forget their wandering ways, take the chance to learn more, get to know more than anyone else. You have a big brain, (that's what we will say this time ok, but some of you know its a big :-"). This month you'll have a life-changing decision, it's in your chart. (I say the black shoes - ok?) Don't let your quietness (about finances, or emotions, or sex) keep you from getting help if you need it (I am also a sexual councillor).
Your lucky colour is turquoise
Your lucky number is 68 one short of 69 you can go steal an extra number from someone if you think you're up to it
Your lucky sex position is the one where anyone seen my copy of the karma sutra I think NN had it last time
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)

One of the interesting things about Libra is how well they seem to play with others. (Ohh yeah and I got the video on sale on my eBay site). Libras really get a feel for people (again pay for the video - damn hawt), and they can see an almost eerily clear picture of another's naughty bits in record time. This month is a side-effect of all that philosophizing and summarizing you do: Turn your crystal-clear vampire perception skills on YOURSELF. Spend some time figuring out your own whys and hows, what you want for the future, get a very clear picture in your head of who you are and who you want to be. (I think who you want to do would be well up there too.) Don't keep a list in your head of all the wrongdoing or misdeeds or he-said she-said so-and-so. Write it down and make the decisions on payback from a clear and judgmental point - not off the cuff. You see others for who they are, and sometimes you don't like a lot of it. (well of course if they got a hot bod sometimes you can overlook the small imperfections of character).
Your lucky colour is orange
Your lucky number is 18
Your lucky sex position has a lot to do with oral leave it up to you how this is played.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

Last month ya'll about worked yourselves into a frenzy and you had such a busy (and stressful) month. It's hard to look back and see all good. But it wasn't all bad. Killed 30 humans, banked a 1/2 million coins - you did well). You certainly accomplished a lot! The Scorpio of September is a tough one, there seems to be a lot of dark places to be in and some dastardly plans to make the odd killing and theft won't go astray and there is some hot tawdry dirty in your face sex (or as i like to call it hmmm bacon time). STOP THAT ONE THING YOU DO. You know what I mean. You have one key overriding personality trait that makes your life insane. Some of ya'll are jealous, some of you are angry, or grudge-holders, or mean arguers, or leavers-before-I-get-hurters. You know who you are. You have one needling issue that gets you in trouble over and over. STOP IT. If you have to have one overriding need - make sure its getting off as much and for as long as you can (if you need lessons you can email me on ..............). Scorpios have more passion than just about any folks I know. If you could spend less time trying to get out of situations you "somehow got in" and spend more time funnelling your hot-headedness into your hot sexiness September will be perfect.
Your lucky colour is pink
Your lucky number is no number i like ahhhhh ooohhhhh and ahhh for you this month
Your lucky sex position will be...to tell you the truth, you need several as umm you will be smoking if you stay in one too long
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Make fact-checking a part of your month. It's easy for adorable little Sag to get into all sorts of scrapes and messes because you believed someone, took a thing at face value, or worse yet -- didn't do your research, didn't catch the name that threw the holy water and now the entire clan is out holy watering everyone with the name starting with G (personally I like the holy water everyone starting with G). So, the coming month is all about getting your facts straight. Asking questions, and making sure you have the right answers (we will make a right wicked little spy out of you by the end of this). Don't be too trusting if someone invites you down into a dark alley and they look green. I think you can safely assume they want to kill you. If you can't decide...well just for this month look for second opinion. This month is Sag's month of light and openness and there's just no need for darkened rooms anymore, or secrets, or messes. Oh and there is a need for plenty of hot unadulterated dirty, naughty, sweat-inspiring sex (no not by yourself!)
Your lucky colour is a splendid Moroccan red
Your lucky number is 34.5
Your lucky sex position will be...well in general...licked all over
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

I love me some Capricorns. I have all kinds of Cappy friends (this should not be confused with the caps in the city...shudders...yeah that's right), and my Dad is a Capricorn, too. September is marked by change, good change, and I keep reminding myself, (so I will remind you, too) that all change -- even when it's awesome, and expected, and anticipated is good unless you're stretched out on the ground with the sun coming up (so watch out). Don't worry too much about the stress, I have heard that a hand job will alleviate that real fast. Don't rush headfirst into a thing just because you have the deep, scary sense that life is careening along out of your immediate control and you MUST MAKE A DECISION NOW. Truth is enjoy the ride...being out of control is sometimes a lot of fun and freefall rocks. This will be a busy and changy month for Cappies, so you're going to feel crazy sometimes. Breathe. Coming up for breath now and then during oral is expected unless you can breath through your ears.
Your lucky colour is a vivid sky blue
Your lucky number is 96 (damn wrong way around but nearly spooning as well)
Your lucky sex position: I'm not sure i can say this one in public, but damn when you do that thang with your lips and tongue it drives your partner over the top