AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Sag
I wrote yer forecast last this moon, usually I write Cancer or Capricorn last. But Aquarius has an interestin' chart (say that like ye mean 't an' ye, too, can be a prognosticator) fer Octobree an' Novembree. Maybe 'tis on accoun' o' me own family be comin' t' visit (I’m still clistin' th' coffins an' th' pokers an' ordered in a feather collector fer me lassie how scary be 't t' be havin' yer sire visit fer hork sake), but ya`ll will be havin' family either in yer hair, on yer mind, or in yer house fer some or part o' this time an' they will teeter between drivin' ye insane an' makin' ye insanely happy (let me be seein' happy be bilge water lily livered shitless) t' be havin' them. A turnin' point will happen on (go one guess th' date bet its easier than ye think ) 31 Octobree(hope th' family be nay still here then damn) after this turnin' point, an' ye be off an' set fer a REALLY REALLY good rest o' th' voyage (snickers apart from Novembree 'ere let’s face 't nay one’s goin' t' be happy). 't be in so many ways what ye`ve been lookin' toward fer all these long moons, th' slow poisonin' o' an enemy perhaps or th' sudden sunlight Davy Jones' locker o' yer old girl/ boyfriend dirty cheatin' Hoes). I feel really excited about Aquarius in `09. Davy Jones' locker mayhem an' blood cant beat itl.
Lucky colour be th' misty grey
lucky number be 6 feet
Lucky sexual position spoonin' (ye’re a sea dog fer horks sake spoonin' be horked long hard forceful thrusts o' yer cutlass or an equal substitute )
Ya landlubber!
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You know how crewmaties will take on projects, like homeport improvement stuff an' e'en crafty things, an' they jus' go at this endeavour wi' ever' free moment, spendin' all the'r time an' energy happily putterin' away? ye could do th' same this comin' Octobree I call 't th' I’m t' evil t' be in th' city moon an' i will hole up in me ship an' fit a new galley moon.(AKA I got a new haircut an' i look like a freak) Ya scurvy cur whut deserves the black spot! What does this mean to thoses around you well for starters you need to wear a beanie and showering is optional cause for the month you will be all alone unless you want to shave your head. So during the next month I know how ye be, Pisces, Ye need t' take some time appraisin' yersef, yer life, yer situation. Sizin' yersef up as well (an' often) as ye do yer closest companions.( sometimes sizin' up yer companion can be a good thin' wink wink nudge nudge) Think o' what ye`d like this crafty project t' one day look like, perhaps ye will make a lot o' baseball bats (ye know a bit o' 2 by 4 works jus' as well cavin' in heads starboard ?)then set yersef ou' t' make yer project come t' life. Ya lily livered scurvy dog!
Lucky colour be dubloon
lucky number be 10 paces west
Lucky sexual position friggin' in th' riggin'
Ya swabbie who ortin' t' be keel hauled!
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
You know in th' past I be havin' always been mean wi' ye an' read th' stars in a way that would be most horrific (well maybe a wee meaner than th' rest who would be havin' guessed) that’s now stoppin', I did ye wrong fer many moons durin' "me sad time" since yer horoscope looked somethin' like, "Hope ye fall o'er from an oozin' social disease. Seeya, wouldna want t' be ya." Now that I be all healed an' moved on an' full o' happiness an' Girl Scouts (thank ye , office o' th' national sellin' girl scouts cookie day! oh aye an' girl scouts yum) I will share a secret: I first be attracted t' an Aries on accoun' o' o' th' dynamic, creative an' innate fun-ness associated wi' ya`ll. Ye be havin' ideas an' idees an' whole philosophies (an' ye know I love me a good philosophy! me swabbieal favoured one be do unto others as they would do unto ye but so 't harder faster an' first) an' thar be somethin' so attractive about this quality that 't led e'en me astray into thinkin' Aries = Action! But sometimes ya`ll = Avoidance! So pull yer finger ou' an' plug yer self aft into th' city an' kill rob maim an' steal or at th' very least holy water some forker.PS sorry fer th' moons o' bad astrology. Ya scurvy cur whut deserves the black spot!
Lucky colour be sea blue
lucky number be X
Lucky sexual position lickin' th' split
Ya landlubber whut deserves the black spot!
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus folks be havin' a chatty happiness that instantly attracts me (that an' that swashbucklin' sword play always gets sea dogs an' land lubbers hawt don’t ye know). I know that like Cancers, ya`ll be havin' yer wee homebody issues like who throws ou' th' dead bodies or drank th' last o' th' blood without restockin' th' fridge why th' hade seat be up or down(ye know th' ones) sometimes but I love th' way ye move through life wi' a happy smile trailin' a bloody hade behind. That be me Taurus folks in a nutshell. Ye be havin' a goodness in ye wi' a full follow-through o' th' dark, thar be family obligations pullin' ye in all directions an' some strangely misplaced expectations from yer shipmates I say hork them an' go yer own path an' if they don’t like 't kill them. At th' end o' Octobree through all o' Mid-Novembree) ye will once again find yersef take hold wi' both hands an' enjoy th' ride.
Lucky colour be keg green
lucky number be three fingers o' rum
Lucky sexual position well i say ye can horkem in all directions
Ya scallywag!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I be havin' a Gemini matey who jus' put ou' an offer on a house in th' Valley, jus' a wee blocks from me! (Nay that he’s that close a matey )An' he has a beauty (she’s pretty hot in bunk err so i be told), an' his sister jus' had twins (an' she wasn’t so hot, an' nay they aint mine) so he`s an uncle twice over. He sailed' through a messy an' prolonged divorce around th' same time I killed me first buxom beauty, an' he constantly amazed me he didn’t but then she be a tiger in bunk (err alegadly) He`s movin' onward an' happier ward wi' his life ever'day an' 't be so much fun t' be seein' th' surprise on his face when i slit his throat an' gorge on his blood. `Tis like he`s constantly amazed that this be his life. Gemini has th' ability t' do that -- focus so clearly on happy amazement an' satisfaction -- as well as focus on th' exact opposite. Twins an' split swabbiealities an' all that. Th' ability t' be seein' th' happy AN' th' sad be more o' an asset than ye might imagine, tho(he won’t be havin' that t' worry about soon an' his beauty well hawty in bunk . Th' secret nay one wants t' share in th' astrology world be that Gemini t'ain't a split swabbieality at all. Gemini jus' sees both sides o' th' proverbial clichéd (nay clinched between his buttocks) coin better than any other sign in th' zodiac. Th' trick be t' decide which view ye dwell on. `Tis yer choice!
Lucky colour be navy Blue
lucky number be four paces north
Lucky sexual position be havin' ye erebarked at th' moon well lets be seein' th' doggie come ou' in ye
Ya lily livered swabbie!
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
In his book called "Kosher Sex," Rabbi Shmuley writes that crewmate beings need separation an' reunion in order t' sustain passionate love. (me swabbieally I say screw that an' lets separate them from the'r heads)"E'en th' slightest taste o' absence will make th' heart grow much stronger,(hmmm blood pump les get them pumpin' 't hard)" he says. An' he`s right. Cancers would do well t' reckon such wisdom in Octobree an' in life (an' also, all right this second lookin' at me in that tone o' voice. I can read "Kosher Sex" if I want t'! Granted, I thought 't be a book about havin' sex an' then eatin' bagels, but whatere! I learned some stuff! Hmmm well nay much apart from separation an' pumping) We Cancers tend t' want love an' affection an' adoration, so we often substitute closeness an' proximity an' ... well, 'tis a poor substitute.(stalkin' any one try fucking' stalkin' its good). Apply 't t' yer job, too. If ye work 60+ hours a week (ahem) ... ye need time off! Ye need that time t' avoid burnout. Take th' time away t' be still an' breathe an' let a wee air into yer life. That way ye can better enjoy th' Kosher Sex...uh. I mean bagels. Or whatere.
Lucky colour be Royal purple
lucky number be five knots
Lucky sexual position be cabin boy/girl
Ya lily livered scallywag!
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Mercury be still doin' its crazy thin' until th' middle o' next week, or thereabouts, give or take a tides maybe 2) I always like t' give Mercury a wide aisle t' keel haul down since we`ve had our run-ins in th' past. Anyway, I be puttin' this starboard at th' very tip-top o' yer forecast since I be late on th' tellin' o' forecasts this moon (suckin' crewmaties dry rocks an' i got better things t' do than "sit around on th' bunk ponderin' me bellybutton an' eatin' astrological cheetos pullin' lint from me belly button") an' ye dasn't want t' step in any post-Mercury goo if ye can avoid 't(sticks like bilge water t' a blanket). That means pay attention t' financial an' city-related stuff a wee more closely, especially stuff that happens on nights endin' in "y." After th' bilge water wi' Mercury on th' 18th(aye so i lied more like three tides shoot me I’m a Gentleman o' fortune i lie kill an' fornicate), everythin' be gravy in Leo. Or tuna in Leo? Or maybe ice cream in Leo. I dasn't know th' correct metaphor (be seein': "Mercury harshes me linguistic buzz Whew, I be almost worn ou' from all th' planetary chitchat goin' on in this horoscope. I need t' get aft t' me cheetos.(err rum ye shipmate)
Ya lily livered scurvy dog!
Lucky colour be yellow streak down your back
lucky number be 100 bottles of rum
Lucky sexual position be well licking bullet holes (damn)
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Manners be fer rebels. That`s why I love me a Virgo. Ya`ll be havin' manners but in th' STRANGEST an' loveliest ways. Fer example, ye can always count on a Virgo t' wash the'r hands before sex an be havin' an opinion. An' share 't. But a Virgo opinion t'ain't a character assassination, 'tis merely fact an' logic formed wi' interest. Ya`ll manage t' say things that others could nereget away wi' on accoun' o' yer manners be on th' inside, closest t' th' heart, an' ye neredesire t' hurt folks or drag `em down.(arrr this sounds t' much like a pussy lets get th' real horoscope going) an opinion be like arseholes everyones got them jus' some keep them t' them selves better than ye. Yer ability t' be seein' into others wi' a new light be second t' yer ability t' be wounded deeply by them who canna be seein' ye clearly at all (or perhaps t' cleaerly when yer nay in shadows an' holy water comes t' pass). Nay sea dogs an' land lubbers will understand ye on accoun' o' ye be unique, an' different from them (an' in all reality from ever' other one in th' world), an' 't might take a while fer that t' shine ou'. `Tis nay swabbieal. But watch ou' fer th' holywater bath
Lucky colour be th' pretty pink
lucky number be 6 fathoms
Lucky sexual position be tied up an' taken like th' slave ye be
Ya bilge rat!
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
We all be havin' so much stress wrapped up in treasure (ahh coins th' city an' coins ). Libra be nay different, e'en wi' all th' balance an' Zen an' so on associated wi' Libra folks , treasure can still brin' up all sorts o' tricky issues. (like bein' caught wi' 27000 coins an' 10 moves th' bank an' only 9 ap) Toward th' end o' th' moon, coins be plentiful but nay fer ye, an' ye can cower, bawl in a corner eatin' cheetos, or decide that treasure be jus' math, nay magic, an' while ye yersef may nay feel all mathy an' brilliant in th' moment, they be havin' these new-fangled things called calculators which do th' addin', an' in this case, subtractin'.(ye might call them an abacuses dependin' on yer age) Th' upside be that ye be better prepared starboard now than most t' handle some weird financial bbung hole an' yer Zen will return starboard after that coin move. That`s nay long t' wait fer Zen, now be 't? Ye Libras an' yer ability t' remain upstarboard in a flood, I tell ye what. Share a wee o' that skiff wi' me matey
Lucky colour be as white as ol whitebeared the pirates over there
lucky number be 1 parrot on your shoulder and poop there too
Lucky sexual position be jolly good rogering
Ya lily livered lanlubber!
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Scorpio folks be better at justification than ere! Ya`ll rock th' self-propelled visionary bunch o` bilge water. A songwriter matey o' mine be on th' phone th' other night tellin' me a story, tellin' me he had t' get ou' o' a particular swabbieal situation real soon. An' he spake, "What ye neremeant can become yer life." Leave 't t' a songwriter t' sum up some profound bilge water in one line. Octobree be a good moon fer Scorpios t' tie up some loose ends (an' that be a nice way o' sayin' "Get rid o' that dark scary shadow who’s been followin' ye, jus' kill th' horker") `Tis real easy t' fall into th' comfort o' a thin', lettin' 't slide . I know th' real ye, yer action lass/man, move in an' do th' deed. Get motivated t' change 't. Move fore take someone down .make them play on yer terms . Dasn't allow somethin' ye neremeant t' become yer whole life jus' on accoun' o' ye`re real real good at makin' up an excellent justification bunch o` bilge water excuse.
Lucky colour be sil'er
lucky number be 36 Deg Starboard
Lucky sexual position ye know th' one 'ere one partner holds th' other upside down an' lists against a wall(first up get a plastic sail arrr)
Ya scurvy dog whut deserves the black spot!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Dr. Sade recommends that ever' once in a while ye go on a low blood sugar diet an' purge yer life o' th' fatty blood stake ou' a nice gym an' work yer way tho them hard bodies. (Ya lily livered swabbie!) (nay only will ye be healthier fer 't ye will get some nice firm bums t' play wi' or pinch or kiss ye know what ye do wi' them I’m nay delvin' into yer sex life unless i get t' keep th' photos an' video)Ya swabbie whut deserves the black spot! I canna quite put me finger on(well i can put 't thar if ye want me t' but damn i will close me one good eye first) Ya lily livered swabbie! a wee undercurrent o' unhappiness seems t' emanate from within. Its about time ye jus' sailed' ou' an' got laid or some other such vulgar thin' (insert unmentionable deeds here) Th' upside be that in Octobree 't be easier than erefor ye t' pick up some new activities, meet new swabbies,(get layd or find someone t' kill)l.
lucky colour be th' black spot
lucky number be pieces o' 8
Lucky sexual position (well 't aint bein' th' barrel boy) i think its shipmate style
Ya horn swogglin' landlubber!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
"When ye change, swabbies either change wi' ye or kill them an' leave them fer th' sun." I heard a matey( aye i do be havin' shipmates an' more than i can count on one hand) ~Eds note good thin' ye got two hand then~ say that recently Capricorns be havin' had a change from th' merry go round t' rollercoaster an' aft since this time last voyage an' 't felt like everythin' be movin' too fast an' ou' o' control fer yer wee control enthusiast hands t' grab onto. Things dipped an' slowed into a holdin' pattern or horror fer a brief period last moon, an' now ye`re aft on th' ride. Ye`re maybe wonderin' if 't WILL EVER AVAST. When will ye regain control? Im here t' say well nay fer th' next 3 moons sucks t' be ye. hate t' give advice based upon such things as vernal equinoxes an' planets an' ache in me bones an' so on, but here goes. Th' trick be t' find th' parts o' this rollercoaster that be fun an' excitin' an' new an' instead o' sayin', "Oh God. What th' hell be comin' next?"(holy water probably), "Hmmm. That be interestin'! Wonder what th' heck be up next! I hope 't comes wi' chocolate blood pretzels! an' shoppin'!"(dreams o' weapons) 't really be that simple. (I didna say 't be easy... jus' simple. Very different thin'.)
lucky colour be th' red dress/pants on that wench/male you like
lucky number be 9 inch cutlass (you be short there
Lucky sexual position i believe the term be 69 or the metric 181
Ya bilge rat who ortin' t' be keel hauled!
