The Ravenblack Grimoire

Lets face it, there are vampires in this city you’d rather not talk to. Hell, if I were to list the little bastards I'd rather not converse with I'd be a lonely little wippet writing alone in her own newspaper with no one reading. Ohh hold on ...

Anyway, we don’t live in a utopian society (and lets face it, if we did I probably wouldn’t exist) and that means we aren’t sitting around loving one another singing Kumbaya and you expect that because we live our unlives with an eternal time clock. But there are the few, those little few that want to make living nightmares of themselves. They telepath you, they stalk you, they sit on the corner outside your cafe with a banjo playing horrendous renditions of Dueling Banjos.

In the normal course of unlife you develop a thick skin, you ignore the pesky little blighter or you kill it in the hopes that silences it for a while. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesnt', sometimes it makes it worse cause then the loud thing just bleats louder. So thick skin it was, nerves of steel or in my case, rip it to verbal shreds to the point it turns tail and escapes from the city crying. (it’s been a while since I’ve done this, but I still remember it fondly).

Now, God Raven, you know that guy who created the arbitrary penal system with a built in bribery clause has given us a chance to switch them off. I know, awesome right? Yes right.

Except.

Ohh come on now, you didn't really think you were going to get all excited about this and not have a 'but' thrown in there God Raven styles did you? Silly wabbit.

How it works:

You tell God Raven who you want to silence by filling in this nice automated form he's made for you and BAM. No more noise. The thing that's been annoying you like the high pitched screetch of a mosquito is silenced. No telepathy straight into your cerebal vortex and no hearing the banjo playing, or the song of the vampire playing it. It's selective deafness at its best.

What it doesn't do:

Now, this wonderful invention doesn't stop the little maggot from writing Dear Editor Letters at the local rag announcing your sexual inadequacy and you can't stop the pesky mossie vamp from trying to contact you on your cellphone cause God being God, even God can't screw with Google. I know sad, but Google is a powerhouse. Even God Raven finds the prospect more than he wants to deal with so you don't get a reprieve there. But in God Raven's city and with the powers that God Raven has granted, nothing will get through. Which is rather half the battle really and half more of the battle won than you previously had.

Who can get it?:

Well, it's free. Yes, FREE. But only to those who have previously bribed God Ravenblack. I know right, how hilarious but apropos a limitation from our wonderfully omnipotent (except when it comes to Google) God. This is the God Raven twist you were waiting for wasn't it? Of course it was. So darlings, if you've previously thrown good hard won cashola at God Raven, you'll find you've got free and unlimited access to this wonderful deal.

I've already played with it. Switch on. Switch off. Switch on. Switch off and much like Karate Kid and Mr Miagi enthusiasm I found the power of the dancing crane a powerful weapon to use against the annoying mouthy infidels.

But just in case you suddenly change your mind and that annoying piece of previous roadkill you thought was the worst thing since sliced Archangel (or is that the best thing), you can switch it off. Yes off. You can switch off the off and the vamp you previously silenced can be heard again.

Awesome right? Yes right. Cause knowing this city, that vamp you'd previously put on the list is probably going to be your new bound partner. Thus the RB Soap Opera, ever revolving bullshit.

Enjoy all.